Get Crank

Saturday, September 2, 2006 »

Here's roughly what happened in Crank:

• Hitman Jason Statham, Lock, Stock and Snatch distant memories at this point, wakes up and kicks in his plasma TV after discovering a Mexican thug has injected him with a poison that will kill him if his adrenaline drops too low.

• Catching on quickly, Jason Statham rampages around in his car in a sequence that looks like it was directed for an Xbox 360 game.

• The camera zooms out to a birds-eye view of the city and pans to the next scene. Adding to the Google Earth feel of this segment is the word "Google" stamped in the corner.

• Arriving at a club, Jason Statham stuffs cocaine into his nose and headbutts a huge black guy.

• While making a phone call, Jason Statham drives his car into a mall and crashes it sideways onto an escalator. He throws some passengers out of a taxi and takes it to a minimart to steal all the energy drinks. Current wanted level:

• Jason Statham visits his former employer at his penthouse suite. The scene is fairly calm and doesn't jump-cut or freeze-frame at all, probably because iMovie burned out while filtering the opening car scene and the editor had to reboot.

• Jason Statham steals the taxi by shouting "Al Qaeda!" at the driver, prompting a group of bystanders to mob him and break his limbs. Then he cuts off the Mexican thug's brother's hand with a cleaver.

• After stealing a bunch of ephedrine from a hospital, Jason Statham has a doctor zap him with a defibrillator.

• Now sporting a hospital gown and a huge erection, Jason Statham sees a hilarious caricature of himself on TV. Then he steals a police bike and does donuts in the middle of an intersection.

• While standing on the stolen bike, Jason Statham crashes into a cafe. He gets up and walks to his girlfriend's place, where he puts his hand in a waffle iron.

• Jason Statham and his girlfriend have sex in the middle of Chinatown. Then he goes to a warehouse and puts a heavy's hand through a sewing machine.

• Meanwhile, Jeff Daniels and his team get blown up trying to enter the mad bomber's booby-trapped house.

• Magically acquiring a new suit, Jason Statham meets up with his employer and the Mexican thug, who are in cahoots. The latter pulls out a huge revolver, but a bunch of Triads appear literally out of nowhere and he shoots his fingers off.

• Nevertheless, he gets into a grappling match with Jason Statham while they hang out of a helicopter.

• After falling out of the helicopter, Jason Statham leaves a parting message on his girlfriend's answering machine after strangling the Mexican thug in midair.

• Jason Statham lands on the roof of a car and bounces like 50 feet in the air.

• Credits.
  

Also, I really enjoyed when he said, "You should have killed me when you had the chance!"