Van Helsing

Wednesday, May 5, 2004 » movies thought

Yesterday I managed to catch a free advance screening of Van Helsing put on by Santa Barbara's KJEE radio station. I didn't go in with the highest expectations, which is probably for the best: Van Helsing is not a good movie.

If I had to guess, I'd say there are three major reasons why people would go see this movie. The first is for the monsters, of which there are plenty. Monsters, check.

The second would be the action scenes. Van Helsing's skirmishes are generally poorly-directed and aren't very remarkable at all. About 90% of them consist of airborne objects crashing into things. Said objects and things are also usually obvious CG constructions. In particular, Mr. Hyde sticks out like Shrek's green thumb.

The last and possibly greatest draw to see Van Helsing is the promise of seeing Wolverine going all Simon Belmont on a bunch of fools. This is what I was looking forward to the most, so I was disappointed when Van Helsing turned out to be not only a pretty boring vampire killer, but a mediocre one at that. Van Helsing spends more time getting beaten around than he does dealing out his crucifix boomerangs. Even after whipping out his cutting-edge gatling crossbow (much touted by his goofy friar sidekick, who, as it turns out, is played by Faramir), he peppers an entire village with bolts trying to shoot down a trio of Dracula's marauding brides. Of course, Van Helsing's performance may have just been undermined by the showing of the Bourne Supremacy trailer, which, aside from having an awesome title, stars world-class assassinator, Matt Damon.

Van Helsing's script and dialogue also disappointed and contained just about every other cliché for good measure. At least it seemed that Richard Roxburgh had a great time playing an over-the-top Count Dracula. He ended up being one of the most memorable characters, even if he did inexplicably break into his crazy vampire roar a bit too often. The soundtrack was an unusual mix of a pulsing, Zimmer-esque drum beat and an acoustic guitar and may be worth a listen, although now that the Lord of the Rings trilogy is over, I'm hoping they pass some law preventing the further use of choirs.

Despite all its shortcomings, Van Helsing managed to contain the audience through most of the movie. It was only fitting, though, when during the big, emotional final scene, the entire theater broke out in laughter. It's too bad this wasn't just a test screening so they could go back and change that and maybe retouch the effects a bit, but it looks like audiences will all be chuckling on their way out of theaters this Friday.

So when is X3 coming out?